"Krystal, you just don't look open and available. People don't know you want to be friends."
This is advice I received years ago during a time when I struggled to build lasting relationships. If you've ever known someone who you'd call "quiet" or "shy" or "loner," you'll have a pretty good picture of what I was like as a young girl. I was an off the charts introvert (I still am), so that meant spending most of my time alone, having few friends, and generally being a wallflower at parties (if you could get me in one). What completely changed my world around was the awareness that being introverted often caused me to give off signals to others that I'm not interested in connecting with them. Generally speaking, that's actually true, but when the outcome is loneliness it's time to make a change. If you're an introvert like myself, you probably don't require much social interaction to be content, and an overload causes you to race to a quiet corner to recharge. But it's very easy to go for weeks spending time alone and then realize when you're ready to talk with someone, there's no one there to call. This is what made me realize the importance of opening myself up to develop relationships on a regular basis, so that when I want a friend to call on they can be there in a flash. Body language represents most of the information people take in when communicating with you. Because of this, it's important to be aware of the body language signals you are sending to others. The signals I was sending off said "I don't need you," which was in some ways an accurate reflection of how I felt. In order to change this I had to change my mindset on the inside, and several non-verbal signals that others see on the outside. First, I started with the simplest change I could make -- smiling. By smiling more frequently, people felt more connected to me and therefore were more likely to stay in contact. It also opened me up so that others were more likely to approach me for conversation. (As an extreme "quiet" girl it took a while to build up the stamina to hold conversations all the time, but once I did it was very much worth it.) Next, I learned to aim my torso and feet towards the person I was speaking with. This increased connection even more and sent the signal to others that I was interested in them. When your torso is headed for the door while you're in mid-conversation it's a clear sign that you want out, so people generally end the conversation early to release you from an uncomfortable situation. Learning to avoid this movement will make conversations last longer and avoid the hurt feelings that come when others feel you don't want to talk with them. And finally, I learned to lean in. One of the major ways to build long lasting relationships is to make other people feel like you hold them in high esteem. Don't be dishonest, but make sure to tell people how great they are and how good you feel when you're around them. Ways to show this non-verbally are to lean towards the person when they talk with you, gently touch non-sexual areas of the body to reinforce your interest in something they have said, and make sure your eyes light up when you see them. These are all signs of interest and let people know that you appreciate them and want to continue building a relationship. Making these changes took time, practice, and lots of courage. After about 6 years of consistently practicing these techniques I can now say that when I tell people I'm an introvert they never believe me. There's no shame in being who I am -- I regularly share with people my Meyer's Briggs personality type (INTJ), but it is nice to know that by making small changes over time I was able to completely revamp my social presence. Brushing up on my skills Even though I made these changes years ago, I still like to brush up on my body language knowledge. I just finished taking an excellent body language class. It's designed for entrepreneurs, but the information is great for anyone who wants to learn to recognize body language cues and maneuver social situations. Get your free copy of "The 4 Keys to Influence" workbook to create your plan for being more influential in your career.
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What does conventional wisdom tell us about success in the workplace?
"Work hard and you'll be rewarded." "It's about who you know - focus on building relationships." "Manage up - your manager has the power to make or break your career." I've heard all of these pieces of advice, sometimes all three from the same person; but what is the truth? The truth is, organizations are run by people, so they're innately human. The company you work for has a pulse just like you do and that company's personality will dictate how you interact in the office to increase your power and influence. When trying to make your mark, always remember to focus your actions on the people around you. The people in the company must choose you, so in order to get their attention, you'll need to be outwardly focused. Here are 3 ways to increase your influence at work. 1) Find the Company Pulse A good analogy for this is to imagine the business as a human body. There are lots of functions all happening at once and in perfect rhythm with each other. Your goal is to find a role within that body that fits who you are, and move with the rhythm so the function you perform is in sync with the others. Tactically, this means observing the company and studying the needs of the business. Read about your business in the news, follow your company on social media, and talk to your managers about the company strategy. When you are in total awareness of the businesses needs, you can better serve the company and find yourself fitting right in and fulfilling an essential role. 2) Be Delightful When was the last time you saw your bosses' favorite get overlooked for a promotion? Chances are, you've never seen this happen. This is because, we naturally prefer people we like. When we like someone we see them as smarter, more talented, and even more trustworthy than other people; so being likable at work is a major asset. I'm not suggesting you become the office "suck-up" we all know there's enough of that going on. I mean finding yourself at the end of every positive comment and being a respected and appreciated colleague to everyone you encounter. Tactically, this means shining your pearly whites when you see someone you know, looking people in the eyes, and pointing out commonalities with others, so they feel closer to you. You can also build likability by helping others freely, and being an amazing listener. 3) Become a Thought-Leader A thought-leader is a person who is a trusted resource for a specific knowledge base. In practice, that means being really knowledgeable about something and sharing that knowledge with others at the right time. How can you become a thought-leader? Consider the top 3 things that you know the most about, then think about which one of those is the most important to the company you work for. That is your best option for thought-leadership. Once you narrow down your expertise, you'll need to seek out opportunities to help people using what you know. Let's say you're in marketing and your expertise is employer branding. By seeking out opportunities to consult your human resources department, you can brand yourself as an expert by being a helpful resource to them. Once you've helped them a few times and added great value, they'll talk about you to others and recommend you to other departments as a resource. In one word, the key to being influential at work is VALUE. If you're able to find a strategically significant way to help move the company forward, be someone people enjoy being around, and a trusted resource throughout the company, you'll be extremely influential at work. Get your free copy of "The 4 Keys to Influence" workbook to create your plan for being more influential in your career. Recommended Reading"Sherry, It's good to see you. How have you been?" Jacki asked. "Really busy. I have so much work to do this week," Sherry replied, looking at her computer screen. "Let me know if you'd like a walking buddy to take a break sometime," Jacki requested with a smile. "Sure, but like I said I'm really busy," replied Sherry, half glancing at Jacki. "I'll let you know if I can ever take a break." Does this dialogue sound familiar to you? Does Sherry remind you of someone you know at work? Does she remind you of yourself? Let's analyze this situation by asking a few questions first.
In this exchange, Jacki probably walked away feeling that Sherry doesn't want to spend time with her. She may even feel slighted by the way Sherry failed to fully engage with her. Had Sherry spent just 1-2 minutes fully engaging with Jacki, she might have avoided making her feel so badly about trying to spend time with a friend. What is a "half glance"? The half glance is when you're talking to someone, but you're focused on something else at the same time. We're all guilty of it sometimes, but it becomes a problem when we're spending more time not connecting than we spend actually connecting with other people. As human beings, we're natural connectors. We crave interactions with others, so when we do the opposite it hurts us by holding us back from our authenticity. The next time you find yourself in the midst of a half glance, put down your iPhone, step away from the computer, and turn your body fully towards the person talking to you. Nothing should stop you from spending a couple of minutes engaging with a colleague or friend. Tip: If you're really busy you can still take a few seconds to fully engage with the person who is talking with you. Give them just a minute of attention, then stop them and explain that you have a priority to handle, but will catch up with them at a later time. Be specific about your intentions and follow up when you said you will. This will help you avoid disappointing the other person and also builds trust in the relationship. Get your free copy of "The 4 Keys to Influence" workbook to create your plan for being more influential in your career. A few weeks ago I went for a night out with a group of people I'd never met. We're all somewhere between Gen X and Millennial, so our smartphones are never too far from view, but that night they were nowhere to be seen. We were all brought together by a couple who had come to visit Denver for the weekend. They set the tone from the start. We were engaged with each other, telling stories, sharing moments, and being present. The next day, they sent out a text message asking "did anyone take a picture last night?" We were so present and in the moment, that we never thought to pause to photograph ourselves, check in on social media, or even post a comment about our night. Instead of fun-looking social media posts, what we got was real fun, amazing connections, and memories to last a lifetime. When was the last time you truly set aside distractions and made a connection with a friend? If it doesn't come naturally, make an agreement at the beginning of a date and ask your friend, partner, or spouse to have a night of full, undistracted connection with you. Now have some fun and come back and tell me all about it! Twitter chats have become one of my favorite forms of networking for 3 reasons.
As a born introvert, sometimes it's just nice to get to meet people without all of the barriers that come into play at a traditional networking event. Technology has made it possible to have great conversations, develop relationships, and build lasting support groups without even leaving the house. You still have to put the work in, but the progress can happen so much faster. Here's how Twitter chats work, at least for me.
Building relationships can actually happen more quickly online than in real life because they are no boundaries as far as time, no cancelations due to travel concerns, and you can talk off and on throughout the day rather than having to make an appointment. Embracing digital networking is about building relationships and maintaining them. And since you have nearly 24/7 access to your network, opportunities to connect are virtually endless. Looking for a Twitter chat to join in on? Here's a great article from Buffer on the ins and outs of Twitter chats with resources for finding chats to join. About 6 years ago, I was at a networking event for young professionals. It was the type of event with wine and appetizers and there's intentionally no place to sit. At this event, I witnessed a woman who was desperately trying to navigate her way around the room to meet people that might be able to help her find a job. She was clearly new to networking and hadn't yet understood the etiquettes of an event like this. At some point she got around to me and I got to hear her 30 second elevator speech first hand. It went something like this... "Hi, I'm Sophia (I made this name up) and I have been out of work for 6 months. I really need some help getting a job, so if you know of any openings please let me know. I've been checking Indeed.com everyday, but I hear the best jobs are kept secret. That's why I'm here. " Would you want to help this person? Maybe, but it's not for certain. What she failed to do is make a connection and offer a reason to want to help her. The most likely result is that people will pity her, but find another person to talk with. There's a lot to learn from this experience. Here are 3 lessons that can be learned from Sophia. 1) Be a great listener It's clear you came to network with an end goal in mind, but you'll never reach it if you don't put others first. Show other people that you're highly (and authentically) interested in them and they will reciprocate that interest with you. In the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" the author details an experience where he went for a meeting with a person, did nothing but listen, and got exactly what he wanted. Sometimes, reaching your goal is a simple as making others the center of attention -- not yourself. 2) Be vulnerable, but not personal Connection starts when we let people in and allow them to get to know our authentic personality, but how much should we share? Your goal is to share the essence of who you are without giving away your whole life story. Let people see your smile, talk about things that make you happy, and share stories that inspire you. Save your flat tires, your money stress, and your career woes for after you've built some rapport. 3) Be valuable Reciprocity is one of the keys to influence. When you give value to others, they will be inspired to give equal or greater value to you in return. You can add value by sharing resources, connecting them with others, and giving them your insights on their business needs. You can learn more about reciprocity in the book "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion." Next time you're out networking, think about how others feel when you're talking with them. Be outwardly focused, and focus more on what you can give to others than what you want for yourself. What happens when you ask someone "how are you?"and actually wait for an answer? It happened to me at a Starbucks one morning. Trust me, it's a weird story. I wake up groggy and mean. Not sure why, but it's been that way for years. My sisters love to tell this awful Christmas morning story about trying to wake me up and getting slapped. I don't recall, but I can imagine it wasn't a pretty sight. Anyways, I was at this Starbucks doing my normal groggy thing and looking down at my phone, my purse, and everything but anyone's eyes. There were 3 baristas and the first one, a woman asked me "how are you?" but I'm pretty sure I ignored her completely. Then, I encountered another barista, who asked "how are you?" I responded with "I'd like a Grande Soy Latte please" and continued to thumb through my phone to find the Starbucks app. After scanning my app, I moved on to the end of the bar where I awaited my drink, when the 3rd barista asked me "how are you." At that point I knew this had to be a game, or else they all really wanted to know how I was. Finally I just decided to answer him since he's looking me directly in the eyes, and I really had no where to go to escape his eye gaze. I said "I'm good." Then he asked "what do you have planned for today?" I scanned by brain for the answers and told him the stories of the two meetings I had planned, one with a former colleague that I was excited to chat with and another with a potential promotional partner for my women's group. The barista congratulated me on my great plans and handed me my coffee. He looked me in the eyes and said "I hope both of your meetings are as great as you hope." With that, I walked out with my coffee. I started this blog by asking the question "what happens when you ask 'how are you?' and actually wait for an answer." For me, it brought me into the present. When I walk around groggy and bug-eyed it's because I'm not present in the moment. I'm wishing I was back in bed, thinking about my responsibilities, and focused on the mission of getting my day started. By asking me about my day, the barista was able to bring me into the moment. I became reflective and thoughtful. And that moment of connection put me in a good mood. This is what people feel like when you ask "how are you?" and actually wait for an answer. How do you feel when someone asks "how are you?" If one of my lovely long distance loved ones is reading this, please don't shake your head at me. I really do love you all, but gosh darn-nit I am not so good at keeping in touch. With that disclaimer out of the way, I would like to share with you a savvy way to keep in touch with long-distance contacts. Here's the background: I'm terrible at picking up a phone and having "just checking in" conversations, and I work many hours during the day and into the evening. It's not that I don't want to talk to people, but I often don't think about it until later in the evening, when it's bedtime for almost everyone. Now nothing really replaces regular conversations, but if the going get's tough, it's time to get techie. So what's my high-tech solution? Video. If you don't have time, opportunity, or energy to contact someone via phone, skype, or text -- video is the best way to let them know you care and you're thinking about them. Here's a video I sent to my aunt recently to let her know I was thinking of her. I know not everyone is comfortable seeing their own face on a video, but getting past that discomfort will help you keep in touch with the people you care about.
So the next time you're thinking about someone that you'd like to get in touch with but can't, take 10 seconds with your smartphone to send them a video message that will make their day. And ask for one back so you can get a little dose of connection too. Video Tip - hold your smartphone up and away from you and make sure you're facing the light. Tonight was networking night. You know -- the night many of us dread, but we do it because we must continue to meet new people otherwise our business life will get stagnant.
I can honestly say I made one solid quality connection, which is all the value I need out of a networking event. Making one quality connect is so much more important than meeting 20 people whose names I hardly remember. Real connections add value and become a permanent part of our lives. I think this one will be a a great asset, and possibly a future friend. But the highlight of my evening was Matt, the amazing trainer who teaches classes on wordpress design. He hosts his class in the venue that I was there to network in. This caused a confusing situation for everyone because in the lobby were about 20 people who came to network and 20 people who came for a class with him. I watched him collect his students amidst the chaos that was the event space we were housed in. It was a challenging task, but he quickly distinguished his students from the networking bunch and started leading them towards the training room. On the way to the room, I stopped him (the curious bird I am) and proceeded to ask him about his class. Rather than toss me to the side, he stopped as if he had no place to go, aimed his feet directly at me, and proceeded to describe his class and tell me when the next session begins. I was taken aback. Clearly I'm expecting him to rush through an explanation and direct me to a website, but he took the time to truly connect with me, make me feel welcome, and give me full details on how to contact him or find his course on his website. Then, he waited for me to dismiss him before he ran off to catch up with his class. And to top off this lovely story, he was done with his class by the time I was done networking, so as I walked out of the building he stopped me, reminded me of how to find him, and again made me feel that he cared about my interest and wanted to hear from me again in the future (whether I buy or not). What's the lesson in this? It didn't take him much time to give me a few moments of full attention, but it gained him a brand spokesperson who will like, share, and follow him to the moon. Even if I don't buy, I'll be a benefit to his network. With just a few additional moments of your time, you can have deep connections with people by simply giving them your focus and making them feel like the most important person in your world, for only a moment. Do you know someone who uses lots of jargon, big words, and long sentences? How do you feel when you're around that person? Chances are, you don't feel that they truly care about you when they're talking. It's more like they're talking to impress others and make themselves stand out as intelligent or accomplished. One of the biggest communication fails comes from what I like to call "talking big," which means you're more focused on making yourself look good than actually engaging with others. The unfortunate consequence of making yourself look big, is that it inherently makes others around you look smaller, which makes them feel uncomfortable. Here's a video example of this communication fail in action. Are you guilty of this?
If you are, this is something you can easily work on changing. By simplifying your speech, you give others the ability to connect with you without the barriers your big words can create. You don't have to "dumb down" your conversations, but you should always be aware of the perception others may have of you when you're in conversations with them. Here's an example. #Fail: "Now what I've found is an indispensable symmetry between the synergies created amongst the integrated marketing and the digital analytics organizations within the hierarchical structures of this powerful Fortune 200 global entity. #Winner: "What I've realized is that when our marketing teams work together rather than separately, they are able to accomplish so much more for the company. By reducing the jargon, the big-words, and the length of your communication, you make the conversation accessible to others. You are now more approachable, easier to relate to, and by and large more likely to connect with lots of people. |
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